Mskdog’s blog

5 Months later, no one asks how I am doing without you. People just assume that I've moved on...that I should have moved on. If, by chance, they catch me crying over you..they tell me that I have to let it go....they don't understand....that you were never just a dog to me..you were my world...how am I expected by anyone, to give up my whole world just like that..poof....you're gone....

My heart still aches for you....there is a hole in my heart...where you used to reside in life...you took that piece with you....

My guilt and sadness mix together...into a porridge of loss...deep and dense....chunky...and thick....your presence felt every minute of every day....

I cry..inside...outside...quietly...and loudly like today....

I ache...inside and outside.....

I know where you would be...at every moment if you were still here...

I know what your voice would be saying...as you talked to me...how many times, I asked you to wait....how stupid of me....I'd give anything to hear your voice again....

My only consolation...is the wonderful Iife I gave you...it was rich in sounds..and smells...in woods...and people...in experiences....it was comfortable....and routine..it was happy....and predicatable...yet....unexpectedly...fun.....it was rich with love...and rich...with food...good healthy food....

I ache for you....I cry for you...today...my tears were matched from tears from above...the very slight rain drops that fell...was that you???? I love you my Prince...I miss you everyday..you will always be my BAAABBYYY BOYYYYY my BEST FRIEND...MY PRINCE......

Driving one leg of a transport of dogs is such a simple thing. To me it's a couple of hours and a little gasoline, but with the joy of helping some dogs out of horrific situations and to the safety of foster care or their forever homes. It's a small way that I give back for all the love I have been fortunate to receive from the dogs in my life. I have been so very blessed to have known the love and have the companionship of 4 dogs in my life. After just losing Prince, I find such a huge hole and emptiness left in his place. There are no words to describe my loss and Hopey's loss. I feel sad for anyone who has not been blessed with the love of a dog. In this small way, helping some pugs get from Brattleboro to White River, I am a small part of the chain to freedom for these puppy mill prisoners. Welcome to your new homes..pugs.....I wish I could keep all of you.....but you are so lucky to have so much love come your way...freedom...is a beautiful thing....

transporting dogs to safety is about the best feeling in the whole wide world!  

 

This I know for sure. Right now, you would be laying down outside. I even know exactly where you would be laying. In other times, in other moments, there you were.....watching the world go by from your spot....

You were the outside dog. You didn't live outside, but you always wanted to be outside..and you were....whenever you could...and Hopey was always the inside dog..and she still is...

I go out, she goes out...I go in, she rushes the door to get in before me...where you, my Prince, I'd have to fight to get you in...when it was cold, or getting too dark out...or if it was too hot outside....you really wanted to be outside....and luckily, most of the time, you got your wish....you had a great life....although I always wished to give you more....this house was for you....this fenced yard was for you....everything I've done in the past 12 years, has been for you...and I don't regret one minute of it...you were my world, you know...and for once in my life..I was the center of someone's world-yours...I miss that...I miss your calm and knowing nature...I felt secure in your presence....I felt so much love and protection from you.....Hopey gives me another kind of protection, less sure...she is of life....

I know she still misses you but she doesn't look for you with the same verosity she once did...it's like she'd be surprised if you suddenly appeared...but clearly she knows you are gone...she also feels your loss....

At one point we couldn't imagine life without you..and now, unfortunately, we have a life without you...and feel the emptiness....the hole....the vacuum you left us....we think of you everyday....we love you everyday...we cry everyday...we keep your spirit alive, every single day...because you were a part of us and always will be...we are now connected by spirit.......can you hear us...can you feel us...do you know we still breathe you..in and out every single day.....

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I don't know exactly when, but I stopped counting the days....and the weeks...and now we are up to months....and here I find myself still thinking of you so many times a day....and thinking of your voice...and your presence and of what you would be doing each and every minute when I think of you....and I cry and cry and cry....and feel the sadness run through my veins....        

It was an anniversary the other day-Thursday...only I wasn't sure if it was 10 weeks or twelve weeks. It almost does't matter any more...Hopey still looks for you...but I notice she's also coming to know that when she looks outside the fence, you probably won't be there...and she moves onto to whatever she had in mind when she first went out. I know she hasn't forgotten you....she still smells deeply in the rug and seems to find your scent there...and I know that any thought of cleaning the rug is not worth it if it takes your prescious scent away from us...so I Leave the rug...as it is.....with all of you buried deep inside...buried in our hearts and souls...as we continually mourn your loss....how could we ever forget you.....you are so deeply inside of us....our every thought and action used to include you...used to start with you....everything...from what we would buy for supper to how I would prepare it...to how to carefully give you your food first then Hopeys.....    

My life began again when you joined it..and feels like a huge chunk is gone now that you've left....a hole...a huge hole that is just there...and even though everyone tells me to move on...to let you go....to stop thinking so much about you....you are here almost as much in death as you were in life....how could it be any other way?

You were my center....always my starting point for each and every day....you loved me when no one else did....you filled in all the missing pieces... I didn't think about coming home without thinking of you. I didn't go grocery shopping without thinking of what I would make for you, not me, but for you for supper. It was always about getting home to you. I always felt horrible leaving you alone...even though you weren't alone most of the time, you were alone when you were not with me...and now I feel that same aloneness without you......your loss is a deep loss....other people lose their dogs and feel sadness but you were my family....my only family...for a time...my only friend....not only a dog...you were my center...my starting point...my finishing point...I sang to you in the morning and I sang to you at night......I talked to you endlessly....and now there is so much quiet it is almost unbearable to me.....you voice missing in the house....YOU are missing in the house...                                                                  

I was so blessed to have you really have you in my life Prince. Right now...right at this moment 8 weeks ago, I had to make the decision to let you go.....the hardest decision I will ever have to make in this world. As hard as it was to decide to take you into my life, that was a piece of cake. I worried...could I take care of a puppy...I wasn't working....I didn't even know yet, that I would be homeless just months later...and you, you were there all along....standing by my side...standing out in front.....protecting me...taking care of me....when I thought I was taking care of you....it was really reverse wasn't it....and I miss you to be there for me...as I miss being there for you....I feel like I failed you in the end...you were and will always be my baby boy....and I miss you beyond what words can describe...I love you Prince...I love you so very much......God blessed me, truly he did, when he gave you to me and me to you....I miss you so terribly..there are no other words.....to describe how deeply my love is for you....I miss you so much my BAby Boy....my best friend...my Prince...I will always love your gentle spirit.....and miss it every moment of every single day....today is 8 weeks...this moment is 8 weeks that I lost you forever on this planet....I will be reunited with you when it is my time to go...and we can spend eternity together...my baby boy... I miss your soft voice...your gentle growls..and even your sometimes annoying bark....I love you my Prince....I miss you my prince...thank you God for giving me my Prince....

I feel empty still-7 weeks after you left me....I feel so very empty....your spirit was always so soothing to me....you balanced my crazy world. You loved me when I had no one else to even notice my presence. You have been my constant companion-unwavering, expectant of my meeting your needs as I had always done....trusting...until that last day....when I had to make a decision..the hardest decision of my very life....to let you go...when all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you....heal you...get you to walk...you had to walk....I couldn't lift you anymore..you couldn't lift yourself and you wanted to so very much...as you called to me...constantly...you were in pain...you were in discomfort...you were unable to move on your own...and I had to look into your eyes..and decide...enough.....enough...enough.....and now....we only have the emptiness left of you....you were 74 pounds of love...and caring...and comfort...and stability...and I miss you so very very much...every minute of every day....I wonder how we are even gettting through the day without you.....Prince...I want you back...I miss you...I want you back...I want that beautiful boy..that beautiful puppy back...where did the years go Prince....when did we become old....you and me...when just 12 years ago...we were both so young...how did we get here....each and everyday...I worried about what I would do when I lost you....I worried..I thought about it....I suffered your loss and million times in my heart..and in my head...and now...it's real..and it's worse than any of my imaginings.....my heart has a hole....that just won't mend...I miss you my baaaabbbbbyyyyy boy....my best friend, my Prince...

I still can't wrap my mind around it...you are gone...forever....gone...forever.....God gave you to me 12 1/2 years ago...and somehow took you from my very grasp...I was not ready for you to go...you were not ready to leave me...I am so sorry I had to make that decision to end your life...the very life I depended on for my life...for 12 1/2 years...why would it be your time, I wondered....I am not better off now...I am not 'all right'...instead...my 100 pound weight gain over those 12 1/2 years proves...I am not where I need to be....As your body began to age...and your walking became more and more difficult until you could barely walk....and your fast illness escalated your aging and sickness...I looked into your eyes...they were tired..they were older now..they were lacking the exhuiberance of life..they were wanting to do more....and looking for help to do it...and with all the vets I went to...noone was able to help us...so I had to decide...once and for all....to end the very life I came to depend on...the very life...that gave me life purpose to live....that very life...that gave me joy...how can I ever explain to anyone how torn in half I am....how can anyone ever understand......

I know where you would be virtually every minute if you were still here. I can hear your talking to me, first muffled low throaty growls....growing into a creshendo of barking...a specific barking...saying...I want to eat...now...I want to go out now....I want you to notice me...now.....and I miss you and I miss your stable warm comforting presence...in the middle of that first hurricane as we sat in the bathtub not knowing what would happen in our first home...to the end where I had to pick you up to move you anywhere.....I miss you... I miss your fur...your head in my chest...your eyes...deep and knowing..I miss your calm spirit....I miss your canine gentlemen's knowledge..your licking before entering a room....something I never understood when you were young....your eyes averted to avoid conflict...your powerful body and mind.....that always protected me, even if the people didn't know you most likely would never hurt them....they fear your presence if they had a reason to do me harm...you were my love, my protector...my best friend...my family...my baby boy...and the hardest thing I ever had to do was let you go...maybe before either of us was ready...and maybe we wouldn't have ever been ready....I don't think we would have...and now I search for your spiritual blessings...I pray you are not angry with me...I pray you understand why I did what I did, I pray you still love me as much as I still love you...I pray Maisy found you and helped you over to the other side...I pray that you are so happy to be reunited with her...you don't want for me....I pray the two of you look down on us....smiling...I pray we can move our bodies and minds toward acceptance..which right now is too far a road for either of us to travel...I pray....